Is It Ever Really 'Your Time' as a Mother? Holding onto Hope

One of the hardest things that I have had to learn to accept is it’s not my time.

I want to work, while my husband can provide all of our needs, I want to contribute. I want to add more to our success, and with that success, I want to feel the self-worth that it has given me in the past. Well, why can’t you? We can, i guess… But my husband and I are a team and many years ago when we both had successful careers it became abundantly clear that one of us had to take the burden. We couldn’t sacrifice both of our careers due to sick children, appointments, household needs. And that is a sacrifice I would make over and over again. You know… It’s just not my time.

I started off my daughter’s school year volunteering as room mom. I realized that since we no longer have childcare for our other children, I would need to find care to attend her class parties… but that cost money and putting my baby with somebody that has or is caring for other children is too risky. I also would need to coordinate, be creative, plan the parties and offer my daughter’s teacher support… At this time we were traveling to Cincinnati Children’s for my son’s care, I was already juggling all my other children and the many many appointments my baby has. It’s OK… It’s just not my time.

I was taking my children to child watch for two hours during the day so I could work out. I loved it for many reason. I would read while I was on the elliptical. Knocking two of my goals out at once, score! But as the illnesses and viruses in our community ramped up, I became more afraid… but I would be crazy to isolate my family, right? This isn’t Covid… but then my baby got RSV, which turned into pneumonia, which led to a hospital stay and him needing oxygen. For five months now we have been isolating. It’s OK it’s just not my time.

I was having a discussion with some women in my church about how I would like to get more involved, but as we talked about the community service options, it became apparent it wasn’t realistic with young children at home. They reassured me that when they had younger children, they were not able to be involved in many things outside of the home,it’s ok it’s just not my time.

As a mom. as a mom with multiple children. As a mom with a high medical needs child. It feels like there is so much I want to do and want to contribute, but I can’t. And saying that I can’t has been one of the most difficult things for me, it feels defeating, it feels like I’m making excuses. But right now I can’t is the strongest thing I can say. It’s just not my time

But one day it will be. One day.